Counselling

Many men who have experienced sexual violence find that talking with a counsellor can be helpful. Asking for help can sometimes be a scary thing to do. Even though it might feel like a big step, it is really important to seek help if things aren’t going well.

SAMSN’s Counsellors are here to work with you to find ways of managing problems and improving your life. This page provides some information about counselling including:

• what to expect
• how you might prepare in order to make the most of counselling
• questions you might ask a counsellor
• what your rights are, and
• how to book in to see one of SAMSN’s free male or female Counsellors.

For some men, the idea of talking to a counsellor can be quite alien. They have never spoken to a counsellor before, let alone about sexual abuse or assault. Sometimes men can become caught up with the idea that ‘as a man’ they should be able to stand on their own two feet and sort stuff out themselves, that seeking help from a counsellor demonstrates some kind of a failing by them as a man. Don’t let this put you off. Going to counselling doesn’t mean you’re weak or crazy – on the contrary, most people who go to counselling are just trying to cope with the difficult experiences, traumas or problems they have in their lives. The purpose of counselling is to assist you and everybody needs help sometimes.  

For some men who have experienced child sexual abuse or sexual assault, counselling offers a way to ‘break the silence’ and speak for the first time about what was done. Counselling and meeting with other men with similar experiences can help overcome the sense of isolation you may feel. It can help you to stand up to ‘self-blame’ or unhelpful cultural beliefs about men and sexual assault. 

Counselling provides an opportunity to look at the impact sexual abuse has had-or is having-on your life in a safe supportive environment. You and your counsellor can explore strategies that diminish the influence of sexual abuse or sexual assault and enhance your sense of safety and choice in relation to yourself and your relationships. 

In counselling, you do not have to talk about the details of what happened if you don’t want to. If you understand sexual abuse or sexual assault as about taking away choice, counselling is about promoting choice. Counselling shouldn’t be all about the sexual abuse or sexual assault: it shouldn’t be all gloom and doom. The purpose of counselling is to help you to improve your life. 

There are lots of reasons why people choose to go and see a counsellor. For example, you might be feeling like life is a bit overwhelming and you aren’t coping well with your health and wellbeing. Or, you might feel like it would be helpful to talk with someone about something that’s happened and is impacting on your day to day life in a negative way. Sometimes problems just don’t go away, however hard you might try to put them behind you or forget about them. Sometimes people go and see a counsellor because they are concerned about a friend or family member and want to talk with someone about how they can help. Counselling is a supportive process, in which you can: 

• Feel listened to and validated, where your experiences, thoughts and feelings matter;
• Be encouraged and have your strengths, resources, and choices acknowledged;
• Develop and move towards achievable personal goals;
• Heal emotionally, particularly if you have experienced sexual violence or other trauma;
• Gain valuable information and awareness about issues affecting your life;
• Develop strategies to enjoy life, to have fulfilling relationships, and ways of handling problems that arise in everyday life. 

Note: Counselling does not make all problems go away, everybody has problems in their life at some point. What counselling can do, however, is to provide strategies and ways of managing problems so that they do not derail you permanently from what you want to do in your life. 

Before you visit to a counsellor or when thinking about seeing a counsellor for the first time you might be experiencing a range of emotions, including feeling: 

• Worried or scared 
• What will happen in the session? 
• How will I tell the counsellor what’s going on? 
• What if they can’t handle me? 
• What if the problem isn’t really important enough and I’m wasting the counsellor’s time? 
• Embarrassed 
• What if the counsellor thinks I’m really strange? 
• What if I become embarrassed? 
• Unsure 
• Maybe I should just deal with this myself and not bother with the counsellor? 

Note: Experiencing any of these feelings is not at all uncommon. It is important to realise that counsellors are used to dealing with all sorts of issues with their clients and that no problem is too big or small. Every problem is important. If your issue is affecting your day to day routine and is troubling you, this is reason enough to talk to someone like a counsellor. 

Going and talking to a counsellor can feel like a big step into the unknown. Sometimes it is really hard to say the things you are feeling because you are worried the counsellor might judge you. In the first session it is likely they will want to get some general information about you. They might ask questions about: 

• How you have been feeling lately; 
• What has been happening in your life lately; 
• Your past; 
• How things are with you and your family 
• Your medical health in the past 

You might also have to fill out a questionnaire that will help the counsellor to understand what might be the most pressing problem. 

The reason they ask you all these questions is so they can better understand what is going on for you. It is important to be honest and try and say as much as you can so that way the counsellor gets a better idea of things. 

At the end of your first session, your counsellor will probably have a talk to you about what you would like to do from here. They may invite you to come back and see them. However, ultimately this decision is up to you. 

Some general tips that you might want to keep in mind if you go to see a counsellor. These apply to your first visit and others after that:  

• Write things down beforehand – you might want to take in some things you have written down that you want to talk about so you make sure you remember the important details. 
• Go in with a positive attitude – going in with an open mind and positive attitude will help you get the most possible out of your counselling session. You may as well give it a shot! 
• Be honest with your counsellor. If you are having trouble expressing what you are feeling that is totally fine and not unusual. Maybe say “I’m thinking/feeling this but I’m having trouble putting it into words” 
• Don’t be afraid to change counsellors – Sometimes you won’t ‘click’ with your counsellor. If that is the case and you have given it a bit of time, it may be a good idea to try another counsellor. There are lots out there and just because it didn’t work with one, doesn’t mean it won’t work with another. Sometimes you have to keep trying in order to find a counsellor that suits you. 
• Don’t be afraid of your counsellor! – You can disagree with them and question things if you don’t feel comfortable. Also it is not your responsibility to take care of them, they can do that themselves. 
• Ask lots of questions! – If you don’t understand why you are using a certain therapy or you want to know more then ask. (see below for some useful questions). 

It can feel really uncomfortable to ask lots of questions of the counsellor you have just met, by telephone or in person, but it’s really important to find out what kind of service they can provide you with, what they expect of you, and what guides and rules determine the way they work. It also puts you in control of your choices.  

Most counsellors welcome questions about their approach, and are used to having these discussions before the counselling begins. Here are some questions that are commonly asked:  

• What are your qualifications, training and experience? 
• Do you belong to a professional association? 
• What counselling approaches do you use? What does that mean? 
• How many years have you been counselling? 
• What special training in sexual abuse have you had? Where and when? 
• Have you attended or conducted any sexual abuse workshops? If so, where and when? 
• How much of your work involves responding to people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse or sexual assault? 
• How experienced are you in working with men who have been sexually victimised? 
• Do you specialize in any area of sexual abuse or sexual assault (working with offenders, clergy abuse, ritual abuse, recent or historical assault etc.)? 
• How much experience do you have working with gay men (if this is a consideration for you)? 
• How often do you have supervision/consultation? A requirement of professional counsellors is that they have regular clinical supervision. A supervisor is there to ensure the counsellor is able to provide the best possible practice. 
• Has a complaint ever been filed against you? 
• How much will each session cost? 
• What is your policy on cancellation or “no shows”? 
• Do you charge for telephone consultation or calls between sessions? 
• What is your policy on confidentiality? 
• Understand or ask about duty of care – Depending on your age and the state you’re from, client-confidentiality means that the counsellor can’t disclose information without your consent unless a court order is obtained. The exception to this is if the counsellor is genuinely concerned that you are at risk of harm or harming someone else (this is called duty of care). It’s best to ask your counsellor first thing to see what their particular policy is. 
• Do you make notes, and what happens to these when my counselling is finished? 
• Don’t be put off by note taking – Your counsellor will probably take down notes while you are talking. Often it’s things like names of people and events so they can talk about it later or specific things you have said that they see as important. If you feel uncomfortable with them writing things, you can ask to see the notes or talk to your counsellor about it. 

You don’t have to ask the counsellor all these questions, they are just some suggestions. 

Whether you see a counsellor, there are both rights and responsibilities that apply to you: 

• The right to be treated with respect and dignity; 
• The right to discuss, negotiate and disagree with the ideas and concepts raised; 
• The right to feel safe; 
• The responsibility to fulfil any agreements you make, such as paying for counselling; 
• The right to have your information kept confidential, except where there is a risk of harm to yourself or someone else. 

To book in to see a SAMSN Counsellor, please contact SAMSN for a confidential chat, on (02) 8355 3711 or via our Contact Us form.