It is useful for all of us to develop an explicit awareness of what are our values, to identify what we value and stand for as a person.
Our values can act as a kind of reference guide or compass for who we are, how we want to be and where we want to go in life. Our values can shape our life choices and responses to different and difficult situations.
Knowing and living by our values can also assist in reducing the influence of childhood trauma in our adult life.
Trauma can knock us off course
Childhood trauma and abuse can profoundly impact our lives, consuming our energy, often derailing us from living the kind of life we want to live. Trauma has this habit of catching us off guard and demanding our attention and sapping our energy. To the point that our focus is on just surviving and getting through the current difficulty.
Setting our own course
If we possess a clear sense of purpose and direction, when we are triggered and hiccups occur or we become derailed, knowing our values can provide us with a road map as to how to act and respond in a way that is consistent with the course we have set for ourselves.
What are ‘values’?
As we grow up, we are introduced to a set of values and beliefs, which we often take on board unconsciously. They might be based on individual, family or community values, on spiritual traditions, on a particular sense of ethics, or an approach to life that we have adopted along the way.
People connect with and prioritise different life values. One person might value ‘being there’ in relationships, ‘being honest’, and ‘having a good work ethic’, while another’s values could consist of ‘giving people a fair go,’ ‘being compassionate and caring’, and ‘always doing my best.’
Whatever the history of our values, they are essentially ‘our’ sense of the (subjective) right way for us to live. When we act in accordance with our values, we generally see our life as purposeful and meaningful and heading in the right direction.
Tips for identifying your values
We usually hold our values implicitly; in other words, we don’t often consciously think about and name our values in a structured way. By identifying our values, we establish a basic guide for us in our life.
Take some time to think about the following areas of life, and try to identify a word or sentence or two about what is important to you; what kind of person do you want to be and how would you like to act in these areas of life?
We have included some possible suggestions of common values below. Keep in mind there is a lot of overlap between the life domains and the values themselves! This is just a very rough guide.
Some examples
Family
Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want
Fairness: to be fair to myself or others
Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others whom I choose to forgive
Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things
Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard
Relationships
Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
Intimacy: to open up, reveal, express vulnerability and share myself – emotionally or physically – in my close personal relationships
Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others
Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love and affection
Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality
Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable Listen Deeply: to listen with genuine interest and curiosity, to seek to understand
Parenting
Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life
Compassion: to act with kindness towards myself those who are struggling
Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others
Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
Friendships
Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, the environment
Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with others
Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable towards others
Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving, to myself or others
Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life
Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself or others
Study / Learning
Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, improve
Creativity: to be creative or innovative
Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded and interested; to explore and discover
Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from other’s points of view, and weigh evidence fairly
Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties
Self-development: to keep growing, advancing or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience
Skilfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
Work / Career
Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, dedicated
Order: to be orderly and organised
Empower and exercise power thoughtfully: to strongly influence, to empower and exercise authority thoughtfully e.g. taking charge, leading, organising
Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
Leisure
Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
Excitement: to seek, create and engage in activities that are exciting, stimulating or thrilling
Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities
Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others
Spirituality
Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture or cultivate beauty in myself, others, the environment
Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves
Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
Community
Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or others
Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations
Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice-versa
Justice: to uphold justice and fairness
Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or others
Health
Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and wellbeing
Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
Personal wellbeing
Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself
Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances
Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others and life
Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience
Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others
Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings and actions
Self-care: to look after my health and wellbeing, and get my needs met
Sensuality: to create, explore and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses
What are your core values?
Making a record of what you value and how you want to live your life can be useful.
Once you have identified what you value, the next step is to take small steps that make these values an every-day part of how you live and act in your life.
Values related goals
While values are very important, the thing to keep in mind about them is that they are ideas, not behaviours. Once you have identified your most important values, it is helpful to then engage in behaviours that move you towards those values. This means committing to things you can do that are in line with what you value and how you wish to be in the world.
Identify an action or behaviour that will bring your life more in line with a particular value. For example, if a value of yours is “self care,” what are some self caring behaviours you can commit to and engage in on a regular basis?
Following your values is not always easy
This approach to life does not mean we are never confronted by difficult situations, unwelcome thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. It is just that our focus is on calming and centring ourselves and acting in accordance with what we have established as our preferred, valued way of living life.
Organisations as well as people benefit from identifying and living by their values
Organisations, as well as people, achieve through identifying their purpose and enacting their values – SAMSN included:
Our Purpose
To build a support network that gives voice and agency to male survivors and their supporters.
We Believe
Male survivors of childhood sexual abuse can recover, support others to thrive and be leaders for change.
Our Vision
A world in which male survivors of childhood sexual abuse can easily access support and find understanding and acceptance.
Our Values
- Hope The courage to believe in what’s possible
- Dignity We honour each other’s inherent worth
- Connection Together we achieve
- Community Engaging the power of networks for growth