Emotions are part of life. We all experience a range of emotions, and we can’t choose what emotions we have – they happen automatically. In fact, our behaviour is mostly driven by emotions and other feelings. This is true whether we are aware of the feelings or not.
Unfortunately, survivors of trauma often experience painful emotions. Because of this, we benefit by being more aware of what our emotions are and what they do. This is called ‘emotional literacy.’ Living in harmony with our emotions, and learning how to manage them, is known as ‘emotionally engaged living.’
What are emotions?
An emotion is a physiological response, either to something happening around us that our senses pick up on, or something that happens from inside, like a memory or thought. Often it is a combination of both.
Some emotions are not easy to identify. We can feel more than one emotion at the same time. Sometimes we have ‘contradictory’ emotions, like if you are about to do a bungee jump and you feel both fear and excitement.
There are no right or wrong feelings or emotions. While some emotions are uncomfortable or painful, this does not make them ‘bad’ or wrong.
Finally, emotions are not facts, as men who have experienced emotional grooming and manipulation know only too well. If we fear something, it doesn’t mean it is actually dangerous. Similarly, if we feel anger towards someone, that doesn’t necessarily mean they have acted badly toward us.
Emotions as energy
One way to think about emotions is that they are an energy to take particular types of action that help our survival or well-being. If you don’t know what emotion/s you are feeling, look for the sort of action the emotion makes your mind or body want to take. This will give you a clue as to the emotion.
😨 Fear: (anxiety, worry, stress, terror) – makes us want to escape.
😠 Anger: (irritation, ‘pissed-off’-ness, rage, blame) – makes us want to lash out, break or hurt.
😥 Sadness: (grief, misery, depression) – makes us want to seek comfort, usually by connecting with others.
😳 Shame: makes us want to shut down (shame is a kind of ‘anti-energy’).
There are also more positive emotions, like pleasure, which makes us want to keep doing what we are doing, or tenderness, which makes us want to be close and express affection.
Emotions have to be consciously felt or acted on to be discharged. Otherwise, the ‘charge’ of energy will just keep building and come out in an uncontrolled way.
Trauma and emotions
Emotions have different levels of intensity, from very low to very high (e.g. from mild irritation to rage). Emotions linked to childhood trauma can be very intense. It’s helpful to have a sense of how intense an emotion is, say, on a scale of 1 to 10.
One of the hardest things about emotions linked to trauma is that they can feel as if they are just coming ‘out of the blue’, and we have no idea what triggered them. We can start to worry we are ‘losing it’ or falling apart. At other times the link to memory is clear – like during a flashback – but the feelings still come quickly and intensely. For this reason, some men try not to talk or even think about the abuse for fear of opening the ‘can of worms.’ These men may believe they will become flooded by emotion and lose control of themselves in a humiliating or dangerous manner.
Another response to trauma is ‘checking out’ or ‘going numb.’ This ‘freeze’ response, which is part of the nervous system’s automatic response to trauma, is a survival strategy that can re-appear at times of intense stress.
Emotions are influenced by thoughts
What we say to ourselves when we are feeling painful emotions matters. It’s easy to get caught up in negative thoughts and critical self-talk. Catastrophising, over-generalising and black-and-white thinking are all unhelpful.
Men and emotions
Strong, painful emotions feel disempowering and do not fit with traditional ideas about how a man is meant to be. Men can be conditioned to not show emotions which are categorized as ‘weak,’ or even feel them. This can make it hard for a man to even admit to himself that he is having these feelings. The cultural tendency to categorise emotions as either ‘positive’ or ‘negative’ can also make it harder to accept and consciously experience emotions. This in turn may produce a ‘pressure cooker’ effect, where the more a man tries to control and keep a lid on emotions, the more intense they become.
Living in an emotionally engaged way
Identify how you experience different emotions
Learning more about your emotions and what they do is an important step towards an emotionally engaged life. Take a moment to ask yourself:
- Am I feeling anything at the moment?
- What is the name of this emotion? (If in doubt, look at the list of core emotions above).
- Am I perhaps feeling more than one emotion?
- Where is it in my body?
- What does it make my body, or mind, want to do? (Look deeper than just “I want it to stop.” Try and find the energy of the emotion and the action it prompts you to take).
- What thoughts, ideas or judgements tend to come with this emotion? Do they help in getting the emotional energy out, or do they block it?
It is also useful to take time to identify patterns. When does this emotion tend to happen? Is there something that prompts it, like an outside event, a memory, or a thought? How intense (on a scale of 1-10) does it get? Does its intensity change?
Managing painful emotions
There are basically four ways of dealing with painful triggered emotions:
Connection: Making some kind of positive connection with another person (or a loved animal) works on the nervous system to calm you down, or to bring you back from shutdown. Any form of social connection tends to calm us.
Calming: Calming techniques help reduce high-energy emotions like anger or fear. Most techniques of this type involve slowing the breathing, relaxing the muscles, and being still or moving more slowly. (Note: If you are in a feeling of shame or shutdown, do the opposite – move more quickly, move your muscles and speed up your breathing a bit to increase your energy).
Discharge: Sometimes, levels of emotional energy are too high for calming. In this case, use the energy of the feeling and ‘get it out’ through action. Examples include exercise, muscle tension, and yelling or strong breaths.
Attention: Attention techniques involve moving your attention from painful thoughts to something else. This is what is usually meant by ‘mindfulness.’ They include grounding techniques, focussing exercises and meditation. (Note: These techniques require regular practice).
You might also try the following affirmation:
This is a painful feeling, but I accept it.
It is inside me, which means it is smaller than me.
It is not a problem that needs to be solved. It is just a feeling that needs to be felt.
This feeling will pass, and I will remain.
The SAMSN website contains examples of techniques and exercises you can try.