At SAMSN we have spoken with lots of men over the years who are worried, or feel shame, about how their abuse might have affected their sexuality.
In our experience, most of these worries are tied up with feelings of shame. These worries come from social expectations about men’s sexuality. Traditional ideas about men, sex, and male sexuality include that a man should stay in control of himself and the situation, that he is not ‘weak’ or ‘submissive,’ and that he is highly sexual, and completely heterosexual. Linked to this is the belief that there is something shameful or wrong about men having sex with other men. Shame can happen when men find themselves having been in situations that don’t conform with these expectations.
Unhelpful ‘myths’ about child abuse and sexuality
There are a lot of popular ideas about sexual abuse, and most of them are pretty unhelpful. We are calling them ‘myths’ here because it turns out they are either not true or at least questionable.
These ideas don’t come from nowhere. They are not “common sense” or “obvious.” They are kept alive in our society by the way people talk and act. There are a lot of people, especially on social media, who push these ideas for their own reasons, ideological and/or financial. It is important for all of us to notice and call out these damaging ideas. (There are a lot of myths about the sexual abuse of women, too. It will help the women in your life if you call these ideas out also).
Here are some of the most popular social myths we have encountered at SAMSN:
Myth #1: I “asked for it”
This myth comes from society’s tendency to blame the victim. In reality, sexual assault is a sexual act perpetrated without free consent. It is a serious crime. Children can’t consent to sex because they don’t know what they are getting into. As well as this, nothing any person, especially a child, does – how they act, how they dress, where they go or who they spend time with – can make them to blame for being sexually assaulted.
Myth #2: If my body responded to the abuse, I must have “wanted it”
Erection or ejaculation are physical responses that can be created automatically through manipulation and pressure on the prostate. Some perpetrators know this and make it happen. Getting an erection or ejaculating doesn’t mean a boy wanted or enjoyed the assault. And it doesn’t say anything about his sexuality.
Some survivors report emotionally enjoying some parts of being with the abuser. They might have been looking for affection or attention because they didn’t get enough of these things in their lives, and were groomed by their abusers. Again, this doesn’t mean they wanted to be sexually assaulted. Wanting emotional contact is not the same thing as wanting sexual contact.
Myth #3: Because I was abused by a man, I must be gay
This confusion arises from the idea that sexual orientation is defined by the type of sex a person has ‘had.’ A person does not ‘have’ sex with a person he didn’t choose. The sex was done to him. A victim of abuse wasn’t the person making the choice, so it says nothing about his sexual preference. Abuse does not create sexual orientation.
Myth #4: I am gay, so I must have attracted it to myself
Because of social ideas about homosexuality, gay men who were sexually abused as children can blame themselves, thinking they were “giving out signals” or in some way invited the abuse. Even if a boy knew that he was attracted to other males, even if he was actually initially attracted to the abuser, it does not mean he wanted to be abused. Sex is so much more than physical acts. Consensual sex is completely different to being manipulated or forced.
Myth #5: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by women
Women do sexually assault men. Sexual assault isn’t always through physical force. It can involve emotional manipulation or coercion. The number of men identifying sexual abuse by a woman has increased over the past few years.
Old ideas about masculinity assume that men should always want sex with women, and that a young man is ‘lucky’ if he is ‘getting’ sex from an older woman. These ideas can make it very difficult for men to admit to being sexually assaulted by women, because they might be worried about being laughed at.
Myth #6: Men who were sexually abused as children go on to abuse other children
There is no evidence to support the myth that surviving abuse automatically creates abusers. The majority of men who experience sexual abuse do not become abusers. This idea comes partly from the tactic of perpetrators accused of child abuse using this myth as a defence.
Having said this, research has found that men who sexually abuse children are more likely to have been abused themselves. But this does not mean that their own abuse caused them to abuse others. There are a lot of other factors, including other traumas, poverty, domestic violence, and traditional ideas about masculinity.
Children exposed to sexual behaviour too soon might repeat or experiment with what they have experienced, without really understanding it. It’s important to distinguish between abuse, trauma reenactment, and normal curiosity.
Myth #7: Men who are raped are damaged and scarred for life
If we know anything at SAMSN, we know this is not true. Men can and do survive sexual assault, and go on to live full lives and enjoy good relationships as friends, partners and parents. Although childhood trauma can have a big impact, men can and do find a way through and live the kind of life they would like.
Don’t feel bad if you have been taken in by some of these ideas. They are a big part of our culture. They are powerful and they are everywhere. It’s pretty much impossible not to be influenced by them at least sometimes.
Sexuality and ‘sexual identity’
Our sexuality can be a big part of our identity. A lot of men find a sexual identity that they feel positive about and draw strength from.
But others can feel pressure to define themselves with an identity that feels not quite right for them. An ‘identity’ is always a generalisation, while a person’s sexuality is very individual. We don’t have to define ourselves by categories if they don’t suit us. If your sexuality doesn’t fit somebody else’s label, it’s okay to be uncertain or to find your own definition. Many men come to understand their sexuality in their own time. Others might fight it or hide it for years because of shame, fear, or social pressure.
Whether you talk about your sexuality or not is your business. Not talking about something doesn’t make it wrong.
Talking about it
Many survivors originally keep the abuse secret for reasons of safety and survival. But as we get older, we are more likely to stay silent out of shame. This can become a habit. But if we are struggling with some of the issues we have covered in this reading, talking can reduce shame, and help us to see the way forward more clearly.
SAMSN’s Monthly Drop-in Meetings are a safe place to talk about these things with other men who get it and won’t judge. You can also talk to SAMSN directly.
(And as a final thought, if you have a partner, we think it’s usually wise to try and talk to them about what’s happening for you. At SAMSN we have found that most partners actually prefer their men to open up, as it helps them feel closer. If men are struggling with something but don’t tell their partners what it is, partners can worry what it might mean for the relationship, and can feel locked out and unloved).